Self Interest

There are times when I feel that blogging is an onanistic pursuit, a written pounding of the pudendum if you will. I’ve been blogging for a while and the only evidence of my production is the less than prodigious progeny of an ill equipped producer of dreck.

Be that as it may, I will continue my Sisyphean efforts to push my rock up my hill, and hopefully those that devour my liver won’t choke on its toxicity or its girth, We’ll see.

It is a sad state of affairs when a New Yorker is looking forward to traveling to Spo-vegas, but that is an accurate description of my life. Pickling upstairs with a Long Rifle 22 in my hands, cigarette at the ready, beer in hand, hunting the ubiquitous Wile E. Coyote, Genius, from a balcony, sounds oddly inviting. Four big screens, a well stocked bar, grandma and grandpa at the ready, is also inviting. Maybe the west coast isn’t so bad?

I will go, I will drink, and I will shoot. I will smoke, I will talk smack and I will enjoy. I will forget this week with 150 essays, with endless proctoring assignments, with snow and difficult commutes. It will all be the past and I will have passed it, like a kidney stone that really makes your cock hurt, but is transient. The bleeding stops, I hear. After all, life is just a series of people kicking your dick, right?

Thanks for witnessing me polishing my proverbial sword, for watching me tickle my literary pickle, for witnessing me jerkin’ my ideological gherkin and, for watching me wrestle my bald headed philosophical bastard. I think my alliterative and metaphorical work is done.

Spike

Ready For The Weekend

I'm over, as much as I can be, the brother issue, for now. I know the subject can be a downer and I apologize if I have brought you down. It wasn't my intent. I just wanted to express what losing a close family member (redundant) is like, and to document my emotions. If you enjoy this subject, or commiserate with my feelings, be sure to tune in in 37 days when I go into my annual funk around his birthday.

In the meantime, I am funkified for other reasons; the sturm and drang of dealing with a new job, new school, new demographics and new material. It's not all bad - the kids are smart and respectful, the administration is supportive and the union is strong. However, dealing with all the changes is challenging and sometimes, okay, alot of times, I struggle to meet the challenge.

It can be dificult to swallow hearing a teacher/author whine about their situation in an economy that is sucking gas, an economy that is laying off good people, an economy where people don't have health care. I feel the same way.

So, let me tell you about the noises I hear upstairs. My son, having been put to bed is up, I hear his pitter patter on the ceiling - he is visiting his big sister.

I went up, tucked them both back in, rubbed backs, tickled heads and whispered assurances in their ears. Whose going to tuck me in, rub my back and whisper assurances in my ear? And, why do I need it?

I think we all need to be assured. Whether it is our spouse, our boss, our President, nod to Obama, we all need assurances that things are going to be okay. It is okay to sleep tight, it will be okay in the future, it is okay to invest in our country.

If it isn't, what are our options?

Spike

This Week

This week is no different from any other. I lesson plan, I grade essays, I read.

This week is no different from any other. I miss Jon. I think about Jon. I look at pictures of Jon.

This week is no different from any other. I play with my kids, I tickle, I giggle, I laugh.

This week is no different from any other week. I weep, I laugh, I do it all.

This week is no different than any other week - I enjoy the journey.

Bruva's

Celebrating the Holidays is bittersweet for me - I get to watch my kids run around like fiends, open presents and eat a lot of fatty, salty delicious foods. It’s a great time! My kids have such a joy de vivre for the holiday that I can’t help but get sucked out of my typical downward spiral of darkness.

However, I miss Murph. The vacuous gap he left doesn’t necessarily suck me down, but I just realize how big of a part he played in my life. Knowing how much he would have contributed to the life of my kids makes me melancholy and sad that he isn’t here to torture them - and I know he would have.

He would have tortured them by tickling, playing, drawing, painting and running around with them like a madman. I know that if he is looking down on me, he would be encouraging me to do the same, and so, I try to. To tickle, to tease, to torture. And I do, but it is Daddy, not Uncle Jon, and it is different. They have a rich life, but it would have been so much richer.

At the Holidays I always realize what I have. I have a home, a lovely wife and beautiful children. I have a great job, a purpose and a life. I value these things because I know what I don’t have. I don’t have my bruva, MonJonMayoJayoPelayoDelayo, the Baby Eraser, Zach, EraserMan, aka Murph, and I really miss him!

Spike

Moving On!

I worked for a while at a place and I made connections, people I loved and cherished. Before that, I worked at another place, and before that, I worked at another place. Before all of that, I went to school with people I loved and cherished. Every time I was at a place, I thought “these people will always be my friends.”
When I moved, those people were my friends, for awhile. Then, things seemed different. Then they seemed strained, I couldn’t connect with them anymore. Then, we didn’t talk anymore. I missed them and I would call, but things were different. I either stopped calling, or they stopped taking my calls.
I have a few friends that have survived the moves. They are the people that I love and hold dear to me. They call, they talk, they come see me. My brother is one of them, but there are few others. A few of the others are friends of my brother who passed away. A few are friends from my salad days as a golf pro. Few are current or recent.
Losing friends like this makes me wonder – were they ever really friends? Further, I wondered, what is a friend? I think I have figured out what a friend is and it explains why I lose them.
A friend is someone who accepts you warts and all. A friend understands that you are a psychopath and teases you about it. A friend drinks beers with you, listens to your rants and loves you tomorrow. A friend is there for you.
That being said, it is important to examine the costs of being a friend. You have to listen to your asshole buddy rant and tell him he is right. You have to listen to your asshole buddy rant about his girlfriend being a bitch, even when she isn’t. You have to listen to your asshole buddy rant about his insane parents, even when they aren’t.
In short, you have to be a friend. Some of my acquaintances aren’t willing or able to do the friend thang. Does that make me think less of them? Yes. Do I understand it? Yes. Do I hold it against them? Yes.
Eventually, one has to recognize that one is alone at sea in this world of ours and that it is up to you to make things work. My friends are not my friends. No one is going to pay my mortgage, no one is going to tell my boss she is a bitch, even if she is. No one is going to say, “hey, that ain’t right.” Why? Because they all have a mortgage, they all have their own issues to protect and I am not one of those issues, so, you are on your own.
Deal with it!

Spike

Eve of Monumental Change

I’m resigned to the fact that Obama will be the President Elect of The United States of America by the time I wake up tomorrow and that’s not such a bad thing. American taxpayers have been robbed for the last 100 years by the politicians in Washington, so is anything really going to change? So the Chief Executive has a different hue to his complexion, what’s the big deal?

I’m resigned to the fact that America will continue to hurtle headlong into a two class society. I’m resigned to the fact that we will continue to bail out big business, to enrich powerful people and interest groups, to be addicted to the teat of fossil fuels and to be personally impotent to do anything about it. While we are a great country, we will continue to be a dysfunctional socialist republic dressed up in our democratic façade.

Change is the only constant in life. Learning to accept change and find a way to thrive in a brave new world is a survival skill and those who believe in Darwinism should accept the challenge. Those who don’t should remove themselves from the gene pool.

I have a feeling that last statement will haunt me...maybe when I am homeless because my house is worthless and I chose to walk away, because my government has no money to bail me out because I am much further down the food chain than AIG and GM, maybe then I will rue that line.

Of course, I may just pursue the Native American resolution to worthless members of society...half a sandwich and a walk in the woods...?

Anyway, I’ll keep working, keep writing, keep paying taxes. Keep on keeping on!

Spike

Election Rant

I just finished singing “Row row row your boat” to my son for about an hour, trying to get him to sleep. It worked, but it was a bit onerous - unless one considers their responsibilities to progeny, then it seems a small issue. I reflected on what I was doing before my son was born.

I recently reviewed a journal entry from four years ago. It’s amazing how much things change in four years -at least that is what I thought until I read an item in a rhetorical e-mail about McCain. It asked what you were doing on September 11th, 2002 and what you had done up until last week. That was how long McCain was a POW. The impetus was to get you to vote for McCain based on his strength of character for having survived that long as a Prisoner of War. While I have tremendous respect for McCain, I don’t think this is an election issue.

I think, hold on, this is earth shattering, that the economy might be a little bit important right now. I was never a big Clinton fan, and have no facts to back it up, but it seems like we were doing pretty well economically under Bill. Maybe we need to lay off being the world cop and tend to business at home. I know we are spending a tremendous amount of money to protect and develop democracies around the world, but don’t we need to TCB at home a little bit? You can bring a horse to water, but...

Many would argue that Mr. Clinton benefited from Senior’s policies, that there is a lag in the economy and that Bill reaped what Senior had sewed. Those pundits would further assert that W is now reaping the seeds that Bill sewed. Lewinsky jokes aside, this argument is fallacious due to Senior’s tenure only lasting four years. To extend the metaphor, W is reaping what W sewed based on eight years in office, just as Bill reaped what he sewed based on eight years in office.

One of the questions the voting public needs to ask itself is, “Is McCain that much different than W? Is Obama that much different than Bill?” Ultimately, I predict Obama will be our next president. I am not sure if that is good or bad. I think that only four years of his leadership will provide accurate insight. By then, we might all be congratulating ourselves on a great choice, or rallying behind the next great hope for democracy. Only time will tell.

Until then, I will keep investing in the market - after all, it’s got nowhere to go but up - and praying for an administration that makes the world better for my kids. Ultimately, that is everyone’s goal and we should recognize that we live in a country that allows us to pick our leaders. No matter how flawed the process may be - think hanging chads - it is the most democratic process in the world today.

Peace.

Spike